Do you feel frustrated at times that you are not understood or you are not listened to? Well, you aren’t alone in this. But the solution to that would surprise you. To get people to listen to you, just be a better listener yourself. Allow me to give you the key of understanding people and in return getting ourselves understood as well. That is the beautiful expanse of Empathic Listening.
Empathic listening is paying attention to another person with empathy [emotional identification, compassion, feeling, insight]. One basic principle is to “seek to understand, before being understood”. It is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding and trust. To comprehend this better let me characterize the traits of an inept listener. An inept listener would cut people off, interject in between, stray off from what is being discussed, complete indifference to the emotional aspect of the conversation, inattentiveness etc. These factors would make communication in vain. We can relate to these in our day to day conversations. So these ought to be consciously avoided if you are not a natural at that. Especially when you are seeking to convey and be understood.
Empathy is the ability to project oneself into the personality of another person in order to better understand that person’s emotions or feelings. Through empathic listening the listener lets the speaker know, “I understand your problem and how you feel about it, I am interested in what you are saying and I am not judging you.” The listener unmistakably conveys this message through words and non-verbal behaviors, including body language. In so doing, the listener encourages the speaker to fully express herself or himself free of interruption, criticism or being told what to do. It is neither advisable nor necessary for a mediator to agree with the speaker, even when asked to do so. It is usually sufficient to let the speaker know, “I understand you and I am interested in being a resource to help you resolve this problem”. It is a core skill that will strengthen the interpersonal effectiveness of individuals in many aspects of their professional and personal lives. Typical do’s for empathic listening are:
- willingness to let the other parties dominate the discussion,
- attentiveness to what is being said,
- care not to interrupt,
- use of open-ended questions,
- sensitivity to the emotions being expressed, and
- ability to reflect back to the other party the substance and feelings being expressed.
The ability to listen with empathy may be the most important attribute of interveners who succeed in gaining the trust and cooperation of parties to intractable conflicts and other disputes with high emotional content. Among its other advantages empathic listening has empowering qualities. Providing an opportunity for people to talk through their problem may clarify their thinking as well as provide a necessary emotional release.
And yes, all of these would ensure you getting to communicate effectively and compellingly. But this is not a checklist you can tick off to practice. One thing common between all good speakers/mediators/communicators was their thirst to understand others. Their true and sincere craving to comprehend and empathize with the other person. They all became a better listener before a good speaker. They empathized when listening. ☺
~Si vis amari, ama!
